


Doctor Who Group Chat

by MadamxWitch



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy References, light alcohol use, restaurant at the end of the universe, there will be no serious plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-04-18 20:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14221665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamxWitch/pseuds/MadamxWitch
Summary: Season 10 ruined me emotionally and physically. This is my way of coping.





	1. betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> DoctorDisco: bill I thought you were on my side
> 
> Pots_and_Pans: it appears you were mistaken

**_pots_and_pans added_ ** **_DoctorDisco_ ** **_,_ ** **_Nardie_ ** **_, and Queen_of_Evil to group._ **

Nardie: Bill why

pots_and_pans: why not

DoctorDisco: bill why did you add Missy

DoctorDisco: correction

DoctorDisco: how did you add Missy

Queen_of_Evil: She gave me a phone dear

Nardie: ???

pots_and_pans: i had a phone i wasn't using anymore so i gave it to Missy

DoctorDisco: Question

DoctorDisco: how did you get my Skype?

pots_and_pans: answer

pots_and_pans: you left your Skype open on your computer

DoctorDisco: did you look through my browser history

pots_and_pans: no???

Queen_of_Evil: You should

Queen_of_Evil: It's hilarious

DoctorDisco: I feel betrayed

Nardie: okay

Nardie: I'm opening up the browser

DoctorDisco: nO

Nardie: how many planets in earths solar system?

pots_and_pans: drucfsjhwofpf

DoctorDisco: sTOP

Nardie: DIY chameleon circuit

Queen_of_Evil: i

Queen_of_Evil: im not surprised

Nardie: wait

Nardie: Bill whats tumblr

Pots_and_Pans: its a blog site

Pots_and_Pans: wait are you shitting me

Pots_and_Pans: does the doctor have a secret shit blog

Queen_of_Evil: LINK ME LINK ME LINK ME

DoctorDisco: nO NO NO NO

Nardie: its called IHaveAPHDInShredding

DoctorDisco: BAd IDEA

Pots_and_Pans: fUCJ YOURE A SECRET VOLTRON WEEB I KNEW IT

Queen_of_Evil: why do you have an alignment chart???

Queen_of_Evil: and why are YOU the physicist

Queen_of_Evil: you wouldve failed trans-dimensional quantum physics if it wasn't for me

Queen_if_Evil: oh the rani's is right though

DoctorDisco: please no more

Pots_and_Pans: more more more more more more

DoctorDisco: bill I thought you were on my side

Pots_and_Pans: it appears you were mistaken

 **_DoctorDisco_ ** **_has changed their name to betrayal._ **

betrayal: I am disappointed in all of you

Queen_of_Evil: I dont care


	2. Apple's on Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pots_and_Pans: river made the iPhone?
> 
> betrayal: no
> 
> betrayal: she went on dates with cleopatra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made the unwise decision to update daily until I run out of ideas. Whee. Also, thanks for the comments! They really mean a lot.

_4:07pm_

Pots_and_Pans: yo doc

betrayal: never call me doc again

Nardie: okay doc

Pots_and_Pans: anyway

Queen_of_Evil: anything you say doc

Pots_and_Pans: aNYWAY

Pots_and_Pans: doctor did you help create the iPhone

betrayal: a bit

Pots_and_Pans: specifically the calendar???

Pots_and_Pans: because i can go back to 200 BC

Pots_and_Pans: and im still scrolling

Nardie: yeah didn't you make that for your dates with Cleopatra

betrayal: no that was river

Pots_and_Pans: river made the iPhone?

betrayal: no

betrayal: she went on dates with cleopatra

betrayal: no clue why its there

Queen_of_Evil: no I made it for my dates with Cleopatra

Pots_and_Pans: has everyone here gone on dates with Cleopatra???

betrayal: i havent

Queen_of_Evil: nardole

Queen_of_Evil: have you gone on a date with Cleopatra

 _**Nardie** _ _**has changed their name to** _ _**cleopatra's** _ _**side chick.** _

cleopatra's side chick: its possible

Pots_and_Pans: doc

betrayal: why me

Pots_and_Pans: we should both date Cleopatra

Queen_of_Evil: why date Cleopatra when you can date me

cleopatra's side chick: who was that directed at

Queen_of_Evil: everyone excluding nardole

_4:32pm_

betrayal: you broke bill

Pots_and_Pans: i am but a simple lesbian

Pots_and_Pans: one who dies when pretty women talk to her

Queen_of_Evil: awww

Queen_of_Evil: you think im pretty

Pots_and_Pans: no i dont

betrayal: would you like me to bring you a shovel

betrayal: so you can finish digging that hole for yourself

**_Pots_and_Pans has changed their name to the dumbest lesbian._ **

the dumbest lesbian: this is treason

betrayal: hA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter devolved into bill being gay and I think that beautiful


	3. Fun Dip=Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> betrayal: we're not doing crack
> 
> betrayal: we're eating fun dip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone needs a reminder of the names
> 
> 12: betrayal
> 
> Missy: Queen_of_Evil
> 
> Bill: the dumbest lesbian
> 
> Nardole: cleopatra's side chick
> 
> Also I'm a trashy Midwestern american so if someone could educate me on the differences between American and British slangs that'd be great. Ex. Chips=crisps and fries=chips, that sort of thing.

_3:47_ _am_

_**Queen_of_Evil has renamed the chat to Drug Vault** _

Queen_of_Evil: come to the vault, we're doing crack

cleopatra's side chick: doctor I'm disowning you

betrayal: we're not doing crack

betrayal: we're eating fun dip

the dumbest lesbian: so you mean youre doing crack

Queen_of_Evil: exactly

Queen_of_Evil: we have the one that changes color

cleopatra's side chick: but why do you call it crack

the dumbest lesbian: it has so much sugar it should be

betrayal: no????

Queen_of_Evil: it's because of how you eat it

the dumbest lesbian: explain

betrayal: okay so

betrayal: you put the powder in lines

betrayal: then you lick the powder off the table

the dumbest lesbian: no??

the dumbest lesbian: you use the stick to eat the powder

Queen_of_Evil: thats what its used for

betrayal: that makes sense

Queen_of_Evil: im still doing it my way

the dumbest lesbian: no youre not

the dumbest lesbian: Im coming over there

the dumbest lesbian: gonna teach you how to really do crack

_4:07_ _am_

cleopatra's side chick: Im suing all of you

cleopatra's side chick: which of you thought it was a good idea to steal a maserati

cleopatra's side chick: and then go to Scotland

the dumbest lesbian: we didn't steal it

the dumbest lesbian: it was from the tardis

Queen_of_Evil: which means it was probably stolen

cleopatra's side chick: hows doc doing?

the dumbest lesbian: he's passed out

Queen_of_Evil: couldnt handle the hyper vodka I got him

cleopatra's side chick: you'll be driving back soon

cleopatra's side chick: wont you

_4:13am_

cleopatra's side chick: WONT YOU

Queen_of_Evil: relax

Queen_of_Evil: we're just waiting for doc to wake up

Queen_if_Evil: he's the only one with a valid drivers thingee

the dumbest lesbian: drivers license

Queen_of_Evil: thank you

cleopatra's side chick: okay

cleopatra's side chick: im going to come pick you up

betrayal: wait no

betrayal: nardole im awake

cleopatra's side chick: i'll see you soon

**_PM between the dumbest lesbian and Queen_of_Evil_ **

Queen_of_Evil: HE FUCKIN BOUGHT IT

the dumbest lesbian: who doesnt have a password on their phone

Queen_of_Evil: idiot time lords

Queen_of_Evil: where should we go next??

the dumbest lesbian: I know a place that sells victorian dresses

the dumbest lesbian: its not too far from here

Queen_of_Evil: lets go

**_Drug Vault_ **

_4:53am_

betrayal: Nardole you idiot they stole my phone

Queen_of_Evil: get a password weakass  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but like,,,,, Victorian fashion is so pretty. Excluding the fact that the devil himself made corsets, the dresses are so lacy and intricate, and men's clothes look CLASSY. get a nice red silk vest and a blazer and you'd have everyone in a quarter mile radius lookin at you
> 
> Also I wanna make it clear that they didnt drug twelve, he just had a bit to much to drink.


	4. Dead Birds Yay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> betrayal: do i want to know
> 
> cleopatra's side chick: no
> 
> the dumbest lesbian: yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: yeah daily updates!
> 
> me @ me: *cracking open a can of beer* sure
> 
> Also this situation happened to me minus the biology lab and I am fully willing to write the scene

 

_**Drug Vault** _

the dumbest lesbian: ohhh is nardole afraid of birb

cleopatra's side chick: shut ur mouth

betrayal: do i want to know

cleopatra's side chick: no

the dumbest lesbian: yes

betrayal: i trust bill more

the dumbest lesbian: okay so

the dumbest lesbian: you know when you left the lecture hall

betrayal: yea

the dumbest lesbian: so chester

the dumbest lesbian: you know chester right

betrayal: unfortunately

the dumbest lesbian: so 5 seconds after you left the room

the dumbest lesbian: he stands up and waves around this bird

the dumbest lesbian: everyone starts freaking out

the dumbest lesbian: so then he's like no dont worry its fake, it squeaked

the dumbest lesbian: so then nardole comes in

cleopatra's side chick: I will pay you to stop

the dumbest lesbian: and Chester waves the bird in nardoles face

the dumbest lesbian: AND HE SCREAMS

the dumbest lesbian: SO LOUD

cleopatra's side chick: IT WAS A DEAD BIRD

betrayal: wifuxbwoc

betrayal: wait didn't you say it was fake

the dumbest lesbian: turns out it wasnt

the dumbest lesbian: we brought it to biology and had a dissection

the dumbest lesbian: very real

cleopatra's side chick: are we even now sir

betrayal: you are forgiven

the dumbest lesbian: okay gtg

betrayal: why

the dumbest lesbian: i have a date

cleopatra's side chick: ?????

betrayal: w   o   w

the dumbest lesbian: dont act so surprised

the dumbest lesbian: anyway bye

cleopatra's side chick: this is a shocking development

betrayal: certainly

cleopatra's side chick: do you think it could be the shapeshifter girl???

betrayal: nah

betrayal: i need to go too

**_PM between Queen_of_Evil and betrayal_ **

betrayal: are you okay????

betrayal: that story is what you live for

Queen_of_Evil: im fine

betrayal: nope

betrayal: im coming over in 5

Queen_of_Evil: pizza??

betrayal: what century

Queen_of_Evil: this one

betrayal: be right there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one of the reasons I started writing this fic was to get better at characterization and all that jazz. Because of that the next chapter is going to be in a proper format. There'll be part a. and part b. One for bill and her ~mystery girl~ and another for my favorite time dorks.


	5. Bill Gets Laid (Not Really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This pub was different for one reason only. At a table in the center, a woman with a star in her eye sat, surveying her peers with a watchful stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from the dead, surprise. Also the Restaurant at the End of the Universe is from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

   Bill stood motionless against the bustle of people washed in neon. She didn't know what to think when she got the text. Heather had died, and a weird alien parasite had took over, right?

 

   That's what she thought until she got a text telling her to be at the ‘Nova Pub’, signed Heather. 

 

   Bill took a breath, then cautiously opened the door. It was just like any other pub, really. The vaguely  sticky tables, overplayed music, and, of course, burly patrons seated at the bar.

 

   This pub was different for one reason only. At a table in the center, a woman with a star in her eye sat, surveying her peers with a watchful stare.

 

   Bill grinned at Heather, then waved in an attempt to catch her gaze. The wave did it, and Heather returned the wide smile Bill gave her. She began to walk over to Heather's table, dodging chairs and tables.

 

   "Hi!” Bill's voice was shaky, and Heather let out a small giggle.

 

   “Hello, it's nice to see you again.” There was a moment of silence between the two, broken by the clearing of Bill’s throat.

 

   “So… You're not dead?” Heather laughed again. Bill took a seat, and looked at Heather expectantly.

 

   Heather looked around the room before beginning. “This… alien and I. We have a sort of symbiotic relationship."

 

   “When you saw me after we bonded, I was trying to figure out all the things I could do. My limits. So, I'm sorry if scarred you.” She offered up a meek smile at Bill, and it was all she could do to keep from melting on the spot.

 

   “Will we be staying here?’ Bill asked, not sure if the grimy bar was the ideal place for their first date.

 

   Heather shook her head. “This was just a place to meet. Ready to go to the main event?” She held out her hand.

 

   “Let's go.”

 

   As soon as Bill spoke, the scenery of the pub became transparent, and her sight began to blur. The only feeling she was aware of was the firm grasp of another hand.

 

   Her vision came back into focus, and the dingy pub was replaced by a classy restaurant. At the bar a blond, double headed man had a row of neon purple shots the length of baseball bat. An alien couple covered from head to toe in diamonds raised their drinks, probably in a toast to a long dead god.

 

   The real spectacle was the dying star that lit the restaurant. It was a red giant, and the tell tale signs of a supernova were already evident.

   The glass ceiling was perfectly polished, so the patrons could easily see the fragility of life.

 

   But I'm getting too existential.

 

   Heather pulled Bill over to a table, looking at her shocked expression with amusement.

 

   “This,” She paused, spreading her arms out in a grand gesture. “is the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”

 

   The title of the diner pulled Bill out of her stupor. “The what?”

 

   Again Heather laughed and again Bill developed a case of HGE (Hopelessly Gay Expression).

 

   “With the use of time rotors, this building travels between roughly 6500 AC and the very end of the universe. This rich guy, people think he's the reincarnation of Nikola Tesla, thought it would be a great idea to eat while experiencing the death of the universe.”

 

   Bill sucked in a breath. “That's... pretty metal.”

 

   Heather grinned. “Certainly.” She looked at Bill before focusing on something over her shoulder.

 

   “What are you looking at?” Bill followed her gaze, and audibly groaned.

 

_    What did he do now?  _ She thought _. And why does it have to be in the middle of  _ my _ date? _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you or someone you love suffer from HGE? If so, sorry there's nothing I can do. The next part will hopefully be up within the next week. I'm open to feedback, so if you have any I'd love to hear it.


	6. missy gets dick (not really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy was sprawled over her piano bench, three layers of blankets covering her and a Teletubbies pillow underneath her. “Pizza?” She mumbled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey why did the doctor who fans cross the road? to throw hands with the fic writer that hasnt updated in a month!
> 
> also yikes where did all this angst come from

   The Doctor leaned against the Vault's door, feeling the machinery move against his back. “Missy!” He called. “Can I come in?”

 

   He felt a soft hum against his temple, her telepathic welcome. He entered the multiple locks, and the gears began to turn.

 

   Missy was sprawled over her piano bench, three layers of blankets covering her and a Teletubbies pillow underneath her. “Pizza?” She mumbled.

 

   “From that place in America you like. Towne Square?” He set the bag on a table and sat on a couch.

 

   “That's the one,” The Doctor heard sock-footed padding behind him and felt Missy’s hands run through his hair.

 

   He leaned his head back in her hands. “Aren't you going to eat? He asked.

 

   She hummed. “Soon.” 

 

   “Missy…” The Doctor trailed off, wringing his hands. “Forget the pizza, let's go somewhere.”

 

   Her eyes lit up. “Anywhere?”

 

   The Doctor was quick to reply. “Within reason. No war zones, or anything else of the like.”

 

   Missy twirled in place, skirts billowing around her like a tutu. “No, nothing like that,” She paused, pulling at his scalp. “I haven't been to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe in 257 years.”

 

   The Doctor smiled at her. “I haven't been in 300,” His face fell. “We’ll have to sneak past Nardole.”

 

   She scoffed. “Eggman? I think we’ll be fine.” She leaned down and kissed his forehead.

 

   “Feeling okay?”

 

   “Better.”

 

   It was the closest to a confession of loneliness he had ever gotten from her.

  
  
  


   “I was the designers date to the opening,”

 

   “Which regeneration?”

 

   “None of you business.” Missy mused, twirling the cocktail umbrella in her drink.

 

   The Doctor hummed softly, looking at all the species he had been cut off from during his time on Earth. “We're somewhere out there, y’know.”

 

   Missy stopped twirling her umbrella. “What do you mean?”

 

   “Professor Yana, Sandshoes. Trying to get the last of humanity to Utopia,” He paused and took Missy's hands in his. “You seemed so happy under the arch.”

 

   Her eyes hardened. “That,” She said with scorn. “was not me. That was an ignorant human who was happy, joyous even, to die.”

 

   They stared at each other, neither blinking. “I have a theory,” the Doctor began. Missy gestured for him to continue. “The arch gives you characteristics that you wish you had.”

 

   “Are you trying to tell me that I want to die?” Missy asked incredulously. “Doctor, you of all people should know me better than that.”

 

   He leaned across the table, her hands still in his. “What I'm saying is that deep down, in some part of yourself you might not even know you have, you want to stop being controlled by your fear of death.”

 

   She looked away and pulled her hands from his. “Maybe that's true, but let's save the soul searching for later. This is a date, after all.*

 

   “This is not a date,” The Doctor mumbled into his collar. Missy began to lean over to whisper something, but before she could, the Doctor pushed her out of her chair.

 

   “What the  _ hell  _ was that for?” She adjusted her hair and looked like she was about to continue her rant before the Doctor reached out a hand to help her.

 

   He squinted at a table across the room, before asking, “Missy, doesn't that girl look like Bill?”

 

   “Yeah, and the other girl she's with looks like that deranged do-it-yourself spaceship pilot you were talking about.”

 

   The Doctor began to pace. “Is she holding her hostage, trying to get to me?” He grabbed Missy's shoulders, his back to Bill. “What should we do?”

 

   “Well for starters, I think you should find a hiding place,” 

 

   He looked around frantically. “Why? Does she have a weapon? Laser slugs?”

 

   Missy rubbed her temples, either because of falling out of her chair or getting a headache via Doctor, it's hard to tell. “No, because Bill's coming over here right now, and is not looking very happy.”

 

   He looked over his shoulder, shock evident on his face. “Oh, shit,”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my school's almost out so i'll be updating more regularly. wish me luck on finals!
> 
> also the next chapter will be in the group chat format


	7. looms are canon deal with it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Queen_of_Evil: so
> 
>  
> 
> Queen_of_Evil: you shagged a sentient spaceship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kiddos I have no idea where this fic is going if you have any ideas tell me, if not, pray

betrayal: bILL WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOINH

 

the dumbest lesbian: GOING ON A DATE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN

 

betrayal: WITH SOMEONE WHO TRIED TO KILL YOU??

 

**_private chat between cleopatra's side chick and Queen_of_Evil_ **

 

cleopatra's side chick: what the hell happened

 

Queen_of_Evil: well doc and i were on a date and we saw bill with that 2 for the price of one spaceship and time travel girl

 

cleopatra's side chick: ah

 

cleopatra's side chick: wait

 

cleopatra's side chick: you were on a date with the doctor

 

Queen_of_Evil: no

 

Queen_of_Evil: shut your whore mouth

 

**_Crack Vault_ **

 

cleopatra's side chick: DOCTOR WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING

 

cleopatra's side chick: YOU CANT TAKE MISSY OUT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION

 

betrayal: WELL SORRY DAD

 

betrayal: IM A GROWN ADULT I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS 

 

cleopatra's side chick: LAST WEEK YOU HAD A BREAKDOWN BECASUE YOU COULDNT FIND WALDO

 

betrayal: I SAW A FIRSTYEAR DO IT SO I FIGURED IT WOULD BE EASY

 

**_private chat between the dumbest lesbian and Queen_of_Evil_ **

 

Queen_of_Evil: so

 

Queen_of_Evil: you shagged a sentient spaceship

 

the dumbest lesbian: did

 

the dumbest lesbian: did you just quote the captain America meme

 

Queen_of_Evil: that's not important

 

Queen_of_Evil: what is important is that I agree with you, the Doctor is being unreasonable

 

the dumbest lesbian: what do you want

 

Queen_of_Evil: 2 packs of m&ms, every season of the nanny and a box of condoms

 

the dumbest lesbian: Im gonna forget that last one

 

the dumbest lesbian: and get you the first 2

 

Queen_of_Evil: do you really want doc and i to have a kid

 

the dumbest lesbian: no

 

the dumbest lesbian: but I also know that time Lords don't reproduce sexually

 

Queen_of_Evil: foiled again

 

the dumbest lesbian: the group chats been really quiet

 

Queen_of_Evil: forgot to tell you, they've been in a shouting match

 

Queen_of_Evil: neither of them have enough muscle mass to do any physical damage

 

Queen_of_Evil: so where's your girlfriend now

 

the dumbest lesbian: my apartment

 

Queen_of_Evil: well you have five minutes to hide her

 

the dumbest lesbian: why?????

 

Queen_of_Evil: I can hear doc and eggman leaving

 

Queen_of_Evil: promise me you'll get me m&ms and I'll distract them

 

the dumbest lesbian: how???

 

Queen_of_Evil: I don't think you want to know

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if there are any non-americans willing to smuggle me out of America please contact me so I can get away from the deranged cheeto that runs my government


End file.
